Do You Sometimes Wish Your Wife Was Disposable?

When women nag, it can be very irritating. But do you wish you could easily dispose them? Watch this video.





A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Hear An Igbo Man Brag About Wealth

These Igbo people sef!

my people can you see?

Dis Ibo People Sef!

A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social
gathering where other
moguls and wealthy men were present.

The Ibo businessman looked for all ways to
oppress the other rich men who were present at the
gathering.

Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his
driver and had this conversation with him:
Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the
red one.

Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in
Victoria Island.

Not the one in Adeola Odeku,
the one on Etim Iyang Cresent. Not No. 22, but
No. 11.
You will see a black gate, fling it open.
You will see a green Honda Civic .

Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to
the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E.

It is not that one.

Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously
90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929 .
It is not that one.

The Madza is very close to a regular Benz, the
regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo
S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a
Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV? that makes a
crescent to the Prado Jeep.

On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal
sharp turn to the left
extreme right top corner, on your way to where
I parked the M-Class. Very close to the E-Class in
front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is
a lovely S. Type Jaguar.
Don't touch the bonnet.

Go to the boot, fling it open.
You will see red, white and blue briefcases.

The red one contains dollars,10 million
dollars.

Don't touch it.

The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds.

Don't touch it.?

The white one contains Naira,

500s, 200s,100s,50s, 20s, 10s denominations.

I arranged them in hierarchical order.
500 Nairas in first layer,

200 Nairas in second,

100 Nairas 3rd layer,

50 Nairas 4th layer,

20 Nairas 5th

and 10 Nairas top floor.

Take one 10 Naira.

Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't
forget to bring my change.

Have a nice day !!!!!!!!!!!! !!

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BALANCE SHEET OF LIFE

BALANCE SHEET OF LIFE



Our Birth is our Opening Balance !

Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset

Soul is our Fixed Asset

Brain is our Fixed Deposit

Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade

Friends are our General Reserves

Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill

Patience is our Interest Earned

Love is our Dividend

Children are our Bonus Issues

Education is Brands / Patents

Knowledge is our Investment

Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.


Some very Good and Very bad things ...

The most destructive habit......................Worry

The greatest Joy ...........Giving

The greatest loss .....Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work ........Helping others

The ugliest personality trait ......Selfishness

The most endangered species ....Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource .........Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm" .......Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome ....... Fear

The most effective sleeping pill ......Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease ............ Excuses

The most powerful force in life .......Love

The most dangerous pariah ........... A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer ...... The brain

The worst thing to be without .............. Hope

The deadliest weapon ..........The tongue

The two most power-filled words .........."I Can"

The greatest asset ..............Faith

The most worthless emotion .........Self-pity

The most beautiful attire ..........SMILE!

The most prized possession .........Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication .....Prayer

The most contagious spirit .....Enthusiasm

The most important thing in life .......GOD

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing

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Men Never Listen

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"

"Oh, that's him I have on my back."

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The Most Memorable Birthday

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked
beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I
figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders
of
baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I
released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise
for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about
to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made
me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting
me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so
while my husband was out of the room I seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one
go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a
pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation
in
the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the
telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my
napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold,
and
I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
"Happy
Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Apartment For Rent!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
They did their thing, and, before he left,
he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but he would have his secretary write
a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following
typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

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Crazy Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings

and we all slide down the pol e, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

we are going to make love all night.

" The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

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