The Most Memorable Birthday

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked
beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I
figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders
of
baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I
released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise
for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about
to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made
me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting
me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so
while my husband was out of the room I seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one
go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a
pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation
in
the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the
telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my
napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold,
and
I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
"Happy
Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Apartment For Rent!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
They did their thing, and, before he left,
he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but he would have his secretary write
a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following
typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

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Crazy Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings

and we all slide down the pol e, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

we are going to make love all night.

" The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

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